Your Postpartum Parenting Plan Didn’t Fail. Your Baby Changed It.

At a time when so many people are actively thinking about making changes in their lives and plans for the New Year, let’s talk about plans and how newborns like to blow them up.

When Everything You Prepared For Doesn’t Look Like You Thought

I started in this field as a doula with a very specific belief: the body knows what to do. If we just let it be and don’t interfere, things will work. Birth is natural. Feeding is natural. Parenting is instinctual.

Years in this field have shown me that sometimes it works that way. And sometimes it doesn’t.

My mom was a La Leche League leader. My sister, her best friend, my cousin, and a family friend literally wrote books on breastfeeding. More than one, actually. When T was born 25 years ago, there wasn’t the distribution of knowledge about the impact of hormones on milk production that exists now. I did everything right. Read the books, had tons of support, talked to an IBCLC, took the supplements. And I still had to supplement with formula in the early days. I always struggled with production.

I managed to maintain our chestfeeding relationship for a long time, but it was because of sheer will and ego, and the cost was my mental health. The feeling of being a failure was huge.

Here’s what I learned: things happen. Bodies are unpredictable. Babies are unpredictable. You can do everything “right” and still end up somewhere completely different than you planned.

And that’s not failure. That’s just reality.

Why Changed Plans Can Feel Like Failure

When a parent tells me they feel like they failed because their plan changed, I ask them what they’re comparing themselves to. The answers vary, but there are some common themes.

Social media plays a role for many people. You can find communities everywhere, people following similar journeys who share your background and understand what you’re going through. That connection can be invaluable. But it’s also easy to forget that what you see online is often edited, curated, or simply a snapshot of someone else’s experience. Their baby isn’t your baby. Their circumstances aren’t yours. What worked for them might not work for you, and that doesn’t mean either of you is doing it wrong.

For some people, the comparison is generational. The way our parents or grandparents raised children was in a completely different context. Different economic realities, different family structures, different support systems, different expectations. That doesn’t make their experience invalid or ours harder, it just makes them different. But when we hear “we managed just fine,” it can feel like our struggles are somehow a personal failing rather than a response to a different set of circumstances.

The most common phrases I hear that signal someone is internalizing normal changes as personal failure? “I should have…” and “I was supposed to…”

Those two phrases carry so much weight. They imply there was a right way to do this, and you missed it. But parenting doesn’t work like that.

When Support Doesn’t Land the Way It’s Meant

Sometimes people say things that are genuinely meant to be helpful but end up making you feel worse.

“Oh, you’re having trouble with feeding? It was so easy for us. We just did X, Y, Z and everything worked great.”

Or: “Have you tried [specific thing that worked for someone else]?”

The intention is usually good. Someone wants to help by sharing what worked for them. But when you’re already struggling and tired and doubting yourself, it can feel like confirmation that there’s a simple fix you’re just too incompetent to figure out. Or it can leave you wondering if you should try advice that doesn’t align with current evidence or your particular situation.

If someone shares that their plan changed, sometimes the most helpful response isn’t advice at all. It’s just “that sounds really hard” and then listening.

When Partners Are Experiencing Things Differently

Here’s something that comes up in a lot of families: one partner seems to be handling the adjustment better than the other. One is exhausted and overwhelmed, the other seems relatively okay. This can create tension, resentment, and disconnection at a time when you need each other most.

There are a lot of reasons this might happen, and most of them are more complex than they appear on the surface.

Sometimes it is about an imbalance in who’s doing what. If one person is handling the majority of night wakings, feeding, diaper changes, mental load, and household tasks, of course they’re going to be more depleted. That’s not about one person being “better” at handling stress, it’s about one person carrying more weight.

But sometimes it’s more complicated than that. Sometimes both partners are doing roughly equal amounts of work, but one of them handles sleep deprivation and chaos differently than the other. Some people truly do have a higher tolerance for disrupted sleep or unpredictability. That doesn’t mean the struggling partner is weak, it means people are different.

Sometimes the overwhelmed partner is dealing with a postpartum mood disorder (like anxiety, depression, or OCD) that makes everything feel more intense and unmanageable. This isn’t about effort or capability. It’s a medical issue that needs support. And here’s the tricky part: postpartum mood disorders often get missed in the early stages because of confirmation bias and conflicting information. If you’re concerned about postpartum mood and anxiety disorders, Postpartum Support International has resources and a helpline (1-800-944-4773) available to all parents.

When someone says “oh yeah, it was like that for me too,” it can feel validating, but it can also normalize something that actually needs attention. There’s a difference between “we both struggled with the same normal adjustment” and “we both struggled with an underlying issue that needed treatment.” The challenge is that you often have two people who don’t know what’s normal trying to assess each other. Early signs of postpartum mood disorders can look a lot like normal sleep deprivation and adjustment stress, which means they often don’t get addressed until they’re severe or until a third party comes in and recognizes what’s happening.

And sometimes, the overwhelmed partner is making things harder for themselves, but not intentionally. Maybe they’re not delegating or accepting help because they feel like they should be able to handle it all. Maybe they’re trying to maintain control because letting go feels terrifying. Maybe they’re worried about being judged if they’re not doing everything themselves. Maybe perfectionism or comparison is driving them to an unsustainable standard. Sometimes that behavior is self-sabotaging, but the person doesn’t realize there’s an underlying issue causing it. They think this is just how parenting is, or how they are, when actually something else is going on that could be addressed with the right support.

None of these scenarios are about blame. They’re about recognizing that when one partner is drowning and the other isn’t, it’s worth looking at what’s actually happening rather than assuming someone isn’t pulling their weight or someone else is being dramatic.

The best approach? Talk about it. Not in the moment of crisis, but when you’re both as calm and rested as possible. What does each person need? What’s working? What isn’t? Where can things shift? Sometimes just naming what’s happening makes it easier to navigate. If you want to understand more about why both partners might be struggling (including the biological changes happening), our post on why postpartum feels so overwhelming covers the hormonal and physical factors affecting all parents.

When to Get Help (And Why That’s Not a Referendum on Your Competence)

Here’s something I see all the time: parents who think they only deserve help if things have reached a crisis point. As if struggling with normal, hard things somehow doesn’t count.

That’s not how this works.

You don’t get parenting bonus points based on how challenging things are. You’re not a better parent because you’re white-knuckling your way through on no sleep and no support. You’re a better parent when you’re not constantly in damage control mode. When you have the energy to actually enjoy your baby. When your relationship isn’t collapsing under the weight of exhaustion.

Getting help (whether that’s from family, friends, a postpartum doula, a therapist, a lactation consultant, whoever) isn’t admitting defeat. It’s making a smart decision about how to make your life more sustainable.

And here’s something important: it’s okay to reach out for help simply because you want things to be easier. Not because you’re in crisis. Not because something is “wrong enough” to warrant it. Simply because you want to enjoy this time more, and you know that more support, more education, and more sleep is going to help you do that.

So how do you know when to reach out? Honestly, before you think you need to. But in practical terms, if something is consistently affecting your physical health, your mental health, your relationship, or your ability to function, that’s your sign. You don’t have to wait until you’re in crisis. “This is hard and I could use support” is reason enough. Understanding [why postpartum feels so overwhelming](link to that blog) can help you recognize when normal hard crosses into unsustainable hard.

Here’s a simple framework that might help when you’re feeling overwhelmed:

Ask yourself: “What am I overwhelmed by right now?”
Then: “Can I do something about this right now?”

If yes: What’s one small step you can take? Do that thing, or write it down so you don’t lose it, then move forward.

If no: Can you do something about it later? Do you know when?

If you know when, write it down with a time. Get it out of your head.
If you don’t know when, acknowledge that this is something you can’t control right now. Sometimes that’s all you can do.

For everything else: Is this worry helping you solve a problem, or is it just spinning in your head? If it’s not moving you toward a solution, see if you can set it aside for now and focus on what’s right in front of you.

This isn’t about toxic positivity or pretending worry doesn’t exist. It’s about distinguishing between productive problem-solving and spinning your wheels on something you can’t currently change.

What Actually Helps When Nothing Goes to Plan

When you’re in the thick of “nothing is going to plan,” here’s what often helps, practically, in that moment:

Step back. Put the baby down in a safe place (crib, bassinet, play mat) and step away for 30 seconds. Hand the baby to another trusted adult if one is available. Give yourself a moment to reset before you try again.

Ground yourself. Sometimes when you’re overwhelmed, you’re not fully present in your body. Try this: Look around and name 5 things you can see. Then 4 things you can physically feel (your feet on the floor, the chair supporting you, your breath). Then 3 things you can hear. Then 2 things you can smell. Then 1 thing you can taste. This simple exercise can bring you back into the moment and out of the panic spiral.

Breathe. Sounds simple, but when you’re stressed, your breathing gets shallow. Take a few slow, deep breaths. It tells your nervous system that you’re safe, even when everything feels chaotic.

You can’t make good decisions or think clearly when you’re panicking or overwhelmed. Thirty seconds of distance and grounding can shift your entire perspective.

From there, most people aren’t completely abandoning their plans. What usually happens is adaptation, small adjustments, one thing at a time. This isn’t working, so let’s try something slightly different. That didn’t work either, so let’s adjust again. It’s a process of iteration, not failure and starting over.

Is There Value in Planning if Everything Changes Anyway?

Yes. Absolutely yes.

Making a plan drives education. When you decide “I think I want to try this approach,” you tend to research it. You learn about it. And that learning creates a foundation. Even if the specific plan doesn’t work out, you now have context. You understand why it might not have worked, what the alternatives are, how to adapt.

Planning isn’t about creating a rigid script that must be followed. It’s about giving yourself a framework to pivot from when things change, and things will change. If you’re looking for practical guidance on what to actually prepare for, our newborn survival tips cover the essentials that make the biggest difference.

The Math Nobody Talks About

If I could make every pregnant person understand one thing that would make the adjustment period less shocking, it’s this:

Newborns eat a lot. Not just frequently (we hear that part), but when you actually do the math on how much time feeding takes, it’s significant.

A single feeding session, including the feeding itself, diaper change, burping, and settling the baby back to sleep, can take anywhere from 20 minutes to over an hour, especially in the early weeks. If your baby is feeding 8 to 12 times in 24 hours (which is within the normal range for newborns), that’s potentially 8 to 12 hours dedicated just to that cycle. For more on how feeding and sleep intersect, check out our post on newborn sleep.

That time has to come from somewhere. It’s not that you’ve suddenly become inefficient or lazy. It’s that you’ve taken on the equivalent of a full-time job on top of everything else you were already doing.

And here’s what nobody mentions about that math: it assumes three things that don’t always happen. It assumes the baby is going to fall back to sleep as soon as they’re done eating. It assumes the baby is going to stay asleep. And it assumes the person doing the feeding is also going to be able to fall back to sleep quickly.

Sometimes none of these things are true. Sometimes the baby needs to be held, or rocked, or won’t settle. Sometimes they wake up 20 minutes later. Sometimes you’re finally drowsy and they’re awake again. The math of “8 feedings times 45 minutes equals 6 hours” doesn’t account for the reality that those 6 hours might actually eat up 10 or 12 hours of your day when you factor in all the variables.

Add in the fact that sleep in 1 to 2 hour chunks doesn’t rejuvenate you the same way continuous sleep does, plus the extra laundry, the doctor’s appointments, the recovery if you’re healing from birth, and all the mental energy of learning to care for a new human… of course you can’t keep up with everything you used to do.

Understanding this ahead of time doesn’t make it easy. But it can make it less shocking, and maybe make you a little kinder to yourself about why you can’t seem to get anything done.

Everything Changes (And That’s Normal)

Babies grow. Their needs change. They need more food, then less frequent feeds. They need more sleep, then less. They become more aware of their environment. Their bodies develop. Their personalities emerge.

The only predictable thing about babies is that as soon as you think you have something figured out, it changes again.

This isn’t a flaw in your parenting or in your baby. It’s just how development works.

Your baby has never existed before. However many days or weeks ago, they had never seen light, never breathed air, never heard an unfiltered voice. They’ve never eaten, burped, digested food in this way. And you’ve never parented this specific human being.

You’re both learning. Give both of yourselves some grace.

There’s No “Behind” in Postpartum

If you’re reading this at the start of a New Year feeling like you’re “behind” or “starting wrong” because your postpartum reality is chaos, here’s whaFt you need to know: there is no behind. There is no starting wrong.

So much of the postpartum period is about survival. Keeping everyone fed, safe, and alive. That’s the baseline. Everything else is extra.

Things can always change. Things can always improve. You can seek education, find support, make adjustments. But right now, in this moment, if everyone is fed and safe and you’re still standing? You’re doing exactly what you need to be doing.

Your plan changing doesn’t mean you failed at preparing. It means you’re parenting a human being, and human beings are unpredictable. That’s not a flaw. That’s just life with a baby.

A final note: If you’re struggling with where to find credible information, how to know what help you need, or how to adapt when things change, we have resources designed for exactly this. Cradira Digital offers comprehensive education and planning tools to help you prepare and navigate the postpartum period, and we also provide one-on-one support if you need more personalized help navigating this time. You can download our app from the Apple App Store, the Google Play Store sign up at cradira.passion.io.

But whether you use our resources or someone else’s, please hear this: getting help isn’t failing. Getting help is how you survive and eventually thrive.